“Si el presente es de lucha, el futuro es nuestro.” ~Che Guevara

Although I was going through personal hardships, my desire and determination to go forth with my research was priority in my life. I was busy with school, grieving, being a mom, going through a separation from my partner, and trying to do a million things.......

So I decided to focus on activism, having left it once I had my babies I had taken a less visible role and helped from the background. I was ready to come back and be at the forefront once again.

After a month of preparing a very successful take over of Operation Streamline, local comrades and I tied down on buses carrying migrants on their way to a fast track court in which they are dehumanized and criminalized.

But on October 11th, 2013 Operation Streamline was shut down for that day.......

While I was tied down on that tire I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. I was proud of my action and my comrades. It made me realize that I could accomplish anything if I was persistent and went out there and did it.

It was scary sure.....I knew I was going to be removed eventually and handcuffed. I didn't care, it was the least I could do for others who were silenced and without voice.

So there I sat, I spent most of the time chanting, and thinking. I thought of my two babies and how they had everything in the world. I thought of my parents and how they instilled in me humility, kindness, and to always be hard working. I thought of my dad a lot, how his strong hands supported my family. I have always been proud of my father, how he can figure out anything, build anything, fix anything. I thought of my mom, how strong she is, how dedicated and giving she has always been. I kept hearing the engine reeve and thought of the men and women inside those two buses. They were someones dads, moms, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, they were someone special.

Hours passed, but it seemed like time stood still forever. Reporters kept coming by, our supporters would give us water, and say encouraging things. I kept seeing many different agencies arrive on scene. I saw officers looking at our arms, going around each wheel. I saw the riot cops getting ready. We all had a medic at each wheel, I told my medic I was ready to remove my contacts and wear glasses, prepared for pepper spray. I couldn't hear much from the engine going at my ear, so I don't know what was going on in the background.

There are things that you never forget, I can never forget the details of this day. The riot cop coming to my face telling me our little show was over, to just let go......or how tight the zip tie cuffs felt on my wrists, being put inside the cops van, being taken and put inside a jail room, being interrogated, transported to county jail......you never forget things when you're on the side of justice.

Have you ever heard anyone say they love being detained and in jail???? I LOVED it, crazy right, who loves jail? I do, I was in a jail room filled with incredible muxeres, all comrades. We laughed, sang, chanted. I slept on the coldest concrete floor ever, shivering cause jail is obviously not a comfortable place, but I was surrounded by hope. With amazing faces with incredible backgrounds, and hearts full of love and justice.

While my personal life was chaotic, at this moment, inside that jail room.....life was amazing.

I came out around 2:00 am on October 12th, 2013. Outside the jail supporters came out and waited, with each comrade coming out to chants of happiness and love. I got home, showered, and slept. I woke up, kissed my babies, hugged my parents, and had a sense of purpose once more in my life. (http://america.aljazeera.com/watch/shows/the-stream/the-stream-officialblog/2013/10/11/activists-in-tucsonblockdeportationbuses.html)

I was determined to do my research and I would not stop until I got my first interview.

I spent November, December and January focused on self healing, and with friends who would become integral in my life and become sisters, like finding your soulmate but they are your friend. Wonderful, incredible muxeres.

These muxeres who have gone down this trip with me, taught me about self love, perseverance, unity, and what it means to be a familia.

Without their support and their presence I would be lost.

Life is hard......life is full of unexpected surprises, plans that fall through.....but life can also be incredibly amazing.

When you least expect it, you find a way.....and if it weren't for those who come into your path, you might not find the courage to move forward, or to keep trying.

I kept calling record companies, and manager numbers, no one seemed to understand what I was doing, but I was determined.

My Spanish was horrible too, the lack of speaking it often made me rusty. So I spent a lot of time Googling Enligh-Spanish words..........

However, life is hilarious.....stars align themselves, and boom......an opportunity arises.......

El fracaso es una gran oportunidad para empezar otra vez con más inteligencia.~Henry Ford

In memory of Guadalupe Loreto (July 4th, 1957-October 3rd, 2013)

And so it began........or I guess I began to plan and plan. I turned to a friend, who I considered a brother. He had successfully done a documentary and I wanted his input, I wanted guidance. 

He told me what not to do and what to do. He told me I shouldn't waste time. To not over film, to keep it clean and make it strong. 

I asked him to do the video for me, and he said he would help. I was happy, I had my little "plan" ready to go and be executed. 

The first month I got nowhere.....I called, I emailed, I couldn't reach anyone anywhere. I grew increasingly frustrated. 

By May of 2013, I had been trying to get an interview for 4 months. I was devastated how was my vision going to take off if no one was willing to give me a chance?? 

I finally got a phone call, they directed me to BadSin Entertainment. I have based my whole research on Gerardo Ortiz (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerardo_Ort%C3%ADz). And one of his songs, that changed the game, perhaps forever. I was overwhelmingly excited to try to sit down with Ortiz.

So, what did that call get me....it got me three interviews with three different people at BadSin.

But nowhere near Ortiz. It drove me bananas, what was up!! 

Two of the three backed out of my research due to scheduling conflicts, and my buddy, my Hermano backed out of helping me film.

What a disaster.....I was so sad. I cried, and cried I didn't understand why nothing was happening. I was angry at everyone. But then I decided I was going to film it all, I didn't need anyone's help. I was a mujer who never took "NO" for an answer. 

But.....what and how would I get someone to do my research interview........to try to film on my own?

August 2013. The worst month of my life. My godmother, who I loved dearly. Gets diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, she undergoes brain surgery to relieve swelling in her brain. But there is nothing else they can do. By this time I've been texting and talking to someone involved in the genre.

He's agreed to help me, and I fly to Los Angeles on August 7th, 2013. I'm emotionally unstable, I am terrified that I will come back empty handed, and I don't trust him. 

It turns out he agrees to help me but we get nowhere and my frustration grows. I'm tired of dead ends, and I hate the world. I come home, defeated, mad at wasting time and grieving for my ill godmother. 

I keep trying to get an interview, but shift my focus to my passion......my activism, and start preparing for one of the most amazing events of my life. 

My godmother passed away October 3rd, 2013. I haven't completely understood, or grieved properly, I just know she's with me every time I am out there late at night, or traveling, she's there, I feel her, I talk to her, I tell her how much I miss her, and love her. I ask her to continue to hold my hand. 

 

My Godmother (my dad's youngest sister) and my dad circa 80's

I start graduate school in the fall of 2013. Two weeks later I am approached by other activists and I decide I will use my body in the ultimate sacrifice to bring awareness and agency to "Operation Streamline." (http://forms.nomoredeaths.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/nmd_fact_sheet_operation_streamline.pdf) 

I focused on preparing for our action and visited my dying godmother daily to hold her hand and see her. 

After she passed away I found nothing to help me cope, I was angry. And I was suffocating from the constant chaos in my personal life. I wanted to figure out what I needed and also find myself again...............

Como empezo.......

El principio.......this idea/concept/hope/dream started back in February of 2013. Seems so far away, and yet so close. I remember every detail of my first encounter with narco cultura. I was driving home my iPhone auxiliary cord was broken and I was switching stations.

I was listening to the advertisement on the Latino station when gunshots began and a music filled with polka sounds began. I was perhaps in shock, while trying to hear this song. I googled some of what I remembered when I got home. I quickly found the song, Sanguinarios Del M1 (http://youtu.be/rzod0gFjHIw) with lyrics about chopping heads, being strapped with guns and grenades.....it was a lot to stomach.

I spent the next month reading, listening, throwing myself into a deep analysis of what I was listening, seeing.....I admit it was intoxicating. I kept thinking of gangsta rap, and how similar this music was. But I was also confused about so many things, it was similar, but yet, so different. Truth be told a lot of the music made me mad. I guess I felt offended by a lot of the songs, and felt that the music perpetuated violence. It is no secret that while I am not in Mexico, or know the culture of living in Mexico, I am a Xicana who can't say has roots in Mexico, but I have a strong love for Mexico. So here was this music, singing and praising the drug cartel in Mexico. Celebrating the violence, the blood baths, the over the top ridiculous lifestyle in which more is more and the more glittery it is.....the better it is. This was nonsense I said, I hate it. But.....I loved it. I loved it because I knew NOTHING about it. I was already biased, and I hated that it called me.

At this point I was getting ready to return to graduate school and by faith or chance I was now filled with a thesis idea. I knew I had to find out more about this music, I wanted to throw myself at these spaces and learn, hear and essentially become one with this. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, and what it entailed. I just knew this was it, this was what I wanted to research, immerse myself into, learn, experience.

This, of course was not a concrete idea...yet somehow I began to piece little by little names, songs, historical background. It was nothing though, I was still completely baffled, and I was nowhere near knowing anything about anything.

My first email was to Dr. Celestino Fernandez (http://www.studentaffairs.arizona.edu/faculty/fernandez.php) I remember my email, and telling him I wanted to focus completely on corridos, "oh, but strictly "narco" corridos. I said, I want to focus the research on this concept and instead of writting, I want to film it, I want to do a documentary and I want to start there."

Dr. Fernandez responded promptly, "Wow, I have never heard of doing anything like this, I think it will be amazing." That was all I needed......

How, where, when.............that was the tricky part.