“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

I think many people might be wondering how it was that I got to do these interviews, or how I was able to successfully conduct them. I was very, very lucky to have been granted access, but factors that helped me were that I was legitimately conducting a research interview, I had legitimate questions (which sometimes I was denied one or two questions; due to the artist and managements decision), and lastly I did have legal documents that proved that I wasn't coming by to just meet these performers.

At the end of the day I wasn't walking into welcoming spaces with candies and butterflies and unicorns.

Not everything went smooth all the time either, I sometimes had issues with management, record companies, the artists/groups. Schedule changes, artists/groups running late, set-ups we had organized and set-up weeks before broken at the last minute.

All of these things had a lot to do with catering to their availability and time. Sometimes I would schedule something at a specific time and get a message or phone call that they wanted to move it up or move it down. At times I found this incredibly frustrating but I was flexible, or I would lose my one opportunity.

For many months I sacrificed weekends to travel back and forth, or get to every entertainer who was coming through. Sometimes it was easy, other times I would have to wait a long time to get the interviews done.

But, I managed....I think I had so much to prove that I zombie'd my way through a year and a half of missed sleep, missed time with my babies, time away from my family. I was exhausted, but my desire to prove that I could do this, was my sole motivation.

Again, my stubborn ass ways wouldn't let me stop. There was one night I hurt my leg so badly, I still kept on. I had a huge ball/lump that formed. It lasted several months to completely go away. This became my reminder of the interview with Gerardo Mercado.....I remember I felt like I had fire in my leg......I tried to touch that area but it hurt so much I had tears in my eyes. I told myself it will go away, just get good footage and then it will be worth this pain you have.

Another thing that still hurts is my shoulder and neck. I was interviewer, camera person, etc. So carrying and lugging around a huge camera bag with me, eventually created some problems for me. To this day, I have pain, though I continue to ice and apply natural remedies to see if I can make most of the pain and pressure go away.

So I suppose while I am proud of myself, and happy I was able to get this far, I am only missing two interviews, Mr. Gerardo Ortiz and El Komander. I've been fortunate enough to interview the older groups who set the stage for the current entertainers.

I have made this my last goal for this research. Without Ortiz, I fear my work will lack the full circle. I have used his personality and his music to create my whole research, so of course I would feel devastated to not have him in it.

But, I have also come to the dreadful conclusion that this might never happen, and so I am thinking of how to manage that with the amount of information I have compiled about Mr. Ortiz and how I had wanted to format my documentary.

But.....I am still gonna try......cause like my papacito Raul tells me and has so articulately placed me in this category of women; "crazies and chingonas." Ay voy Gerry...

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. ~ Aristotle

There are very few men in this genre that can take your breath away......the only good looking man I have interviewed has been Martin Castillo from Gerencia360. I like to say I have this love/hate relationship for him. The first time we sat down together he made me so mad I wanted to kick him in the throat and throw him out of my moving car.....true facts.

But, the second time we sat down I was so impressed by his views, and we had a lovely dialogue about the history of corridos, narco culture, and his commitment to maintain old style with the ever evolving narco corrido genre that it made up for my first impression of our first meeting.

He has dabbled in different styles; romantic songs, even singing rancheras. But his style is narco corridos. And truth be told this is a style that truly suits him. He has presence, he is a great performer and he works his personality ever so clever.

Seeing his performance was different from others, because he is one of very few good looking performers he has more women coming up stage. However, his fan base is long term males who appreciate that he sticks to narco corridos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0XLQmpjfNA

I have appreciated Castillo's contributions to the narco corrido genre, and wonder why he hasn't amassed to Gerardo Ortiz status. He definitely deserves the mainstream status that some of the performers have who aren't well suited for this genre.

I think overall the night I spent observing Castillo is one for the books, I have not had a similar experience and perhaps I won't. The generosity of allowing me to see so much more than just the concert and a quick sit down interview shaped the way I presented the research to those who followed his participation in my research.

The evolving genre seems to evolve within the narco cultura also shifting to a glittery world of Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci.....I wonder if these designers know how much money they are making off the narcos...and the singers and those followers who just love these brands. I personally dislike the elf shoes they wear, the over the top name brands, the man purses. It is just TOO MUCH!!!! I want the tight wranglers, boots and nice button down shirts with the cowboy hats.

However, Castillo continues to stick to his forte and that is refreshing in this genre. The only critique I have and I shared with him; is that I wished he would do social injustice corridos.

Something I think he should dabble in.

La vida es aquello que te va sucediendo mientras te empeñas en hacer otros planes. - John Lennon

I will admit I am a stubborn ass......I am SO annoying. I hate to hear NO, I will go above and beyond to get things done.

My mother Rosita....constantly lectures me about being a stubborn ass, "Siempre tienes que hacerlo, te empeñas y no paras hasta que lo tienes." True facts....I guess it's the determination that motivates me to push the limits of what I want.

Which is a reason why I didn't stop when I was getting nowhere, sure I cried in frustration and spent time hitting a punching bag, but mostly it is that I firmly believe that anything is possible, you just have to work hard for it.......and call and annoy people until they relentlessly say "Fine."

It's both something that makes me happy about me and irritates me.

So....these artists kept coming through steadily, and I was busy getting every interview I could.

 I drove to Phoenix to interview Noel Torres, I was excited because I felt he was one of the more mainstream, popular ones I could get.

I left Tucson with a good friend, we got to the venue, and waited. We waited for a while and then white vans arrived (Thank goodness for those white vans...) I asked someone from the band if I could do the interview and they said yes.

But, to be on the safe side I found a more official person and he helped me. He was so professional, and nice. I enjoyed the way he represented his artists, and the record company. I found out this company was Gerencia360. http://www.gerenciamusic360.com/

I was unable to take footage of Torres's concert. Unfortunately, I had issues with some young women who decided they wanted to be in the way of my attempts to take footage of him. I was angry that they kept posing for the camera, like "girl no.....seriously.....I've seen better ass and boobs." Of course I had no time to sit there and compete with immature girls who obviously felt threatened by little ol' me and my friend and my camera. I got tired of having to move around these women who kept finding themselves in my view. I am not the type to deal with that BS...so I walked up to the Gerencia guy and said, I can't deal with those girls over there, showed him how shitty it was because they were all up in there, and we agreed to set up the sit down interview with Torres in Tucson after his concert the next day.

To this day I still thoroughly enjoyed this interview, we had a very long conversation about many topics, he spoke about social injustices, and many, many more things. I also had a nice male audience that came with him. I talked to them about my penis theory. What is this penis theory you ask??? Well its not much of a theory....it is more of a disadvantage women have. I explained that normally the way men choose the women they take home is through explicitly saying they will take the one with the "big tits" or "the big ass" which of course is gross objectification and sexualization of women. Whilst women don't know what they take home, its always a surprise. So I proposed to my women friends, that women also find out what they will take home and base their decision then and there. Why can't we choose the same way I exclaimed! We should see what is in the pants and also objectify these men.

It would only be fair, Mr. Torres disagreed of course and we debated for some time, his strongest argument was "women wear fajas, push up bras, and sometimes padded panties." My reply to this was "not my fault you don't check before you go." Which was my point.....

After that interaction i was able to connect with someone from Gerencia360 and he helped me immensely by helping me set up future interviews. I am very grateful and happy for his friendship and his help. Gracias Mr. G.

“When the person you love can't see your love for them beneath the painful things you say when they reject you, remember this: Love is blind.” ― Shannon L. Alder

I continued to work hard on my interviews and also focused on the other things that were happening in my life.

I was feeling tired and burned out, the environment was taking its toll on me. Especially considering that I worked full time at the university, went to school, spent time and cared for my two babies and then did other things with the community.

I still don't understand why the groups/artists go on stage so late. by 11:00 pm I was exhausted, then waiting for 12:30 am or 1:00 am for them to hit the stage, conduct an interview after their show and then go home at 3:00-4:00 am....sleep a couple hours, and wake up when the babies woke up.....I think about it, and wonder how I didn't collapse from fatigue.

There was one guy that came through and sang very graphic songs, and although he was super nice, and sat down with me and told me a lot.....I drove home with a nauseated stomach, and with images I wished to burn from my brain. I hugged my teddy bear tightly that night.

If you wonder why I decided on doing a mini documentary instead of writing a thesis, I realized from the beginning that my interest and what I was looking for was hearing it straight from the horses mouth type of thing.

I didn't want to write something and then have someone come back and say that I distorted or mistook their responses or words. I wanted to give them through a film project the ability to say it there.

The night that I interviewed Grupo Escolta I fell asleep, comfortably nestled in my seat, I had made a pillow from a jacket, and covered myself with another warm fussy jacket. I only woke up because someone hit my door with something. I remember waking up groggy, crazy eyed, very sleepy and rushing out my vehicle.....

It was so cold, I was shivering, and my teeth were chattering. I saw the white van and walked to the passenger window.....I am sure they were wondering "who the heck is that girl....probably drunk (so groggy, cold and sleepy still) knocking on our window like a maniac??"

The guy opened the window, and trying my best to be alert and professional said my little statement, he might have felt compassion, or probably noticed how hard I was shaking from the cold. But they opened the doors and came out, and sort of huddled around me.

Because I had slept for so long they wanted to do the interview at their hotel. Which was fine with me, I was too cold and too tired.

At this point I was bringing dinner to these groups, and by dinner I mean Sonoran hot dogs. The people from the place I got them from knew I would rush over at 1:50 am before they closed to get some for whomever I was interviewing.

Escolta was a funny group to talk to, we talked a lot about reverse racism, and Xicanismo. How delicious sonoran dogs were.....Mexican perceptions, and lastly why was I interested in this.

It is too complicated to go over my interests, I will say this has been a very, very incredible journey.

"“Por mi raza hablará el espíritu” ~José Vasconcelos

With the approaching day of genocide and celebration of stolen land from Natives, I take you with me to Thankstaking day 2013.

 The climate in Arizona following passage of laws like SB1070 a direct attack on the undocumented community (as if there was a need for more stigma) the ban on ethnic studies with SB2281.....was definitely not good.

With such actions, a civil unrest began. It made the communities in Arizona live in fear, and made many people come together to fight back. However, its effects caused more than separations of families, dehumanization of peoples.....it brought great distress and trauma.

A drive to the grocery store became a sacrifice for a mother running out for milk, feared to be stopped by the police department, because the outcome would be that border patrol would be called....and the children awaiting their milk from their mother would stay waiting...while their mother was taken and criminalized by an unjust system.

The month of October of 2013 appropriately has been called the "Tucson Uprising." After months of stops between the Tucson Police Department and community......On October 8th, 2013, the police department stopped one of the workers from the Southside Worker Center. Fortunately or unfortunately the stop took place at the intersection near the church, on the night that a humanitarian group met. Down the road about a few blocks we were preparing for our action for the 11th.

We all received the text alert, finished up our preparations and got there. Arriving to the scene......I saw lots of flashing lights. I immediately thought something terrible had gone on.

There were so many cops there and many border patrol agents. I could hear screaming, and chants.....screaming from comrades, and demands from cops.......I realized that this is what a war zone must look like......there was a lot going on......but we simply stood in line with each other......and then waited for them to attack us.

By this time the border patrol had taken the people they stopped and put them inside one of their vehicles......the activists inside the church created a barrier between the vehicle and the agents. Elderly people were thrown and pushed in their haste to move their vehicle and take our friends.

At the front of our unified group.....shots rang out as the police department began firing rubber bullets, and then they began to mace our groups.......

I ran around.....having arrived late.....I found a professor and mentor on the floor.....several comrades in agony from having been directly sprayed and shot. One of our comrades had been knocked down and was disoriented.

The Border patrol took this moment to leave.....we had just experienced the dire consequences of the fucked up effects of SB1070. we cried together that night.....as we held each other......and wondered why.....

We knew this was our war....and we were done, we were angry.....we were ready to shut it down.

I got home, and grabbed my son....I held him while I cried......I cried for all those peoples who couldn't hold their loved ones that night, for those who never made it here, whose families never heard from again.........

I decided to start anew, to strip away what I had been taught ~Georgia O'Keeffe

I continued to show up to concerts and conduct my interviews. I had a nice routine going, I would show up, knock on the groups/artists vehicle window, and ask if they would participate. They always said yes. My routine was simple. Arrive and park in the back of the venue/place, find someone from their staff, ask for permission to do interview and then I would wait. Once the interview was done I filmed 3-5 songs and left.

I was still nervous about the environment but I was getting the hang of it.....somewhat.

I had managed to re-learn Spanish !!! I was surprised at how steady these musicians came through Arizona. If they didn't come to Tucson I would head to Phoenix to conduct my interviews.

The interview with El Flaco Elizalde was one of my favorite. I think it had a lot to do with how He drove himself to the venue, along with his beautiful girlfriend, and when he came out of his truck he introduced himself to me and said that he would happily do my interview.

He put on a wonderful show,  so giving to his fans. I enjoyed seeing his performance and his interactions with the public. At one point he also told the crowd how important education was, and pointed me out. I was floored by this gesture and the message of higher education! That indeed is what public figures should be sending out to their public, go out and get educated!!

I left home happy thinking about how fascinating these personalities were. I realized that this research was incredibly surprising. Every step was a new experience, and I was excited for what was to come.

And slowly.......a domino effect one would say, I was able to conduct many interviews and adapt to this new world......

"Recuerda siempre que tu propia resolución de triunfar es más importante que cualquier otra cosa" ~Abraham Lincoln

You can say that after interviewing Rosas and Torbellino I realized that if the management or the record companies didn't respond to my inquiries I would just show up.

It was little me and I was intimidated. But, I was going to get this done, and I didn't care how or what I had to do.

It was always so interesting to observe the venue and the people who came to the concerts. I know that people wondered who I was. And sometimes people would come up to me and ask me. I was never dressed up, I was always in combat boots, and sometimes I didn't even do my hair. (The horror I know) especially when I was surrounded with such incredible beauties.....but mostly I liked to go comfortable. I wasn't going to impress anyone, I was working.

Of course I couldn't be bothered by wanting to be "dressed up." I was lugging around a camera, and doing the research in uncomfortable clothing and shoes would not be beneficial to me. I sometimes wondered if I dressed up would that have changed the interview process.
But I still wondered.....and once in a while I did try to change my normal leggings and combat boots outfits.


I spent a lot of time in the back of venues, talking to local groups or groups passing by. I also spent a lot of time talking to the security personnel. I enjoyed hearing the conversations and getting the perspectives from those who worked within this genre/culture.

I often found myself inside my car, I took much needed naps, rewrote questions or observed from the comfort and security of my vehicle.

My Spanish was improving, not a lot, but I was able to have a good dialogue without standing like an idiot or a deer in headlights.

I enjoyed spending time with the local groups, that was one of my favorite things to do. It gave me a chance to feel relaxed, to have conversations without feeling rushed, and mostly I wanted to interact the most I could with these musicians/singers.

I would like to think that they also enjoyed having me around and being a pest.

One of my favorite local groups is Nuevo Komando y su Tuba. (https://www.facebook.com/nuevo.komando/)

Each time a headliner came through this group would open for them,  I often got the opportunity to talk to them before and after.

I don't really know how I was able to do my interviews, I just came from out of nowhere; walked up to anyone and gave them my little intro, "My name is Angie Loreto, I am a masters student, I am doing research on corridos, narco corridos....etc....etc."

For whatever reason, luck, compassion or perhaps they thought I wasn't some crazy fan or groupie and gave me time and access to their artists/groups.

One thing for sure no matter how popular a group was I always felt that they enjoyed my interview, and left happy from it. Because it humanized them, it took away the demonized aspects from media. And that was my personal angle.

 

"Two things scare me. The first is getting hurt. But that's not nearly as scary as the second, which is losing." Lance Armstrong

With the whole Rosas experience, and my failure to correctly record his responses for my research, I focused on the charges we were facing for our Shutdown Operation Streamline success.

Two weeks prior my comrades and I had been summoned for a court appearance; we faced the following charges;
13-2402A1: obstructing governmental operations (class 1)
13-2511A: hindering a prosecution in the 2nd degree (class 1)
13-2904A1: disorderly conduct (class 1)
13-2906A: obstructing a highway or other public thoroughfare (class 3)
13-2917A2: public nuisance (class 2)
13-1502A1: criminal trespass in the 3rd degree (class 3)

 It was a tumultuous time for our communities, the ever growing presence of "poli-migra" stops kept growing. This continued attack against the undocumented community kept us busy. 

We formed a strong force, and it was a successful form of protest against the workings of the border patrol (or how my darling little girl likes to call them "border control".....much more fitting isn't it?!) and the Tucson Police Department. 

It became the norm (unfortunately) to be alerted when one of these stops occurred. It was maddening, and tiresome. It disrupted lives, and families, and communities. Ingeniously we were always around.....we showed up in pairs, once one of us arrived others did too. It puzzled the police, and it intimidated border patrol. 

We recorded all interactions, we became fierce and we made demands. We no longer were afraid.....we chanted "They're afraid of us, because We are Not afraid. Not one drop of afraid do we have." 

Perhaps to many this is insane, well, maybe it was. But it was necessary, it came from the need to create agency and urgency to this situation. 

I found myself arriving to scenes often, always lots of cops and one or two border patrol agents.

While this was a daily struggle, I had to refocus and get a good interview.....my friend told me Tito Torbellino was performing at a local venue. I didn't know much about the performers I wanted to interview so typically I would listen to their music 1-2 days in advance and google and write some notes about them. 

This time I wasn't able to set anything up, so I decided I would just show up and ask there and then for the interview. 

February 13th, 2014 I waited outside the venue for Torbellino to arrive or someone from his management. They arrived around 12:30 am ish. I was quite intimidated and honestly I didn't know if he was going to agree to it. 

First I spoke to some guy, he took my release form and showed it to him (although I really didn't know who he was at that point) I started the interaction bad, when I told them I could translate the form from English to Spanish....to which Mr. Torbellino told me "Why you don't think I can fucking read?" Clearly I didn't make a good impression. 

Truth be told I didn't like his attitude. 

He didn't even want to come off his vehicle, and he disliked all the questions. At one point he even told me, "I thought you were going to ask me cool questions, like if I was married, had kids or what I liked to do." I felt so angry he was belittling me.

He responded to two questions......with the most dreadful attitude and most annoyed face I have ever seen.

We went in after he did to watch his performance. It was less girl crazy than the Rosas. I stayed for the whole thing. I was waiting to hand them a copy of the release form when shots rang out in the parking lot. I was aware of the environment that this genre comes with, so my friend and I rushed to my car and I drove away.

Once I got home I wasn't sure of what I wanted to do anymore, I wanted to do the research yet I didn't want to expose myself or anyone to harm......

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." ~Albert Einstein

I dont know what is more significant that I got my first interview on February 7th, 2014.....or that I fucked up my first interview because I had NO clue about the equipment I was using, the environment I would be in, and the chaos that I would experience my first time at one of these concerts.

I was lucky that one of my good friends connected me with the owner of the venue. She said, "look muxer, go talk to him, tell him I sent you and get this shit done." I was SO nervous. I called the venue several times and his cellphone, but the day before I just drove over and got off. The owner was there, he listened to me, he told me he would speak to Javier Rosas management, and that I could come back day of and conduct my interview at his venue.

I was ecstatic, nervous, scared and many other emotions were running through me. But off I went, with my questions, my gadgets and a ton of enthusiasm.

The first thing I walked into was a lot of people, I parked super far.......I found the manager and he told me Javier was on his way, and that I could conduct the interview in his van.

I took in the atmosphere and the ambiance. I will admit it was a bit too much for me. I was dressed in black leggings, combat boots, and a black long sleeve shirt. I stuck out like a sore thumb, people kept staring at me, probably wondering what the hell I was doing there. I had my hair in a loose ponytail. Looking around me the muxeres were absolutely stunning. I couldn't stop staring.....I wondered how they put on their skin tight dresses, I wanted to know how they stood around in 5-6 inch heels for so long. My girl friend met me there and we both took it all in. We were both in awe of these muxeres. We discussed their outfits, their appearance, how they acted. I wanted to know if everything was real. And mostly how they got out of those little skin tight dresses.

An hour later Mr. Rosas arrived. I was escorted outside with my friend in tow. We got to a white van, the doors opened and there he sat. Smiling and friendly.

 His band mates were with him....the first thing I noticed was the delicious scent of cologne that filled the air all around us. On a side note I enjoy a man that can smell delicious.

I introduced myself, and began my interview. I was terrible at it. I forgot words, my brain kept messing me up, I was thinking in English and trying to speak in Spanish. I spent the majority of my time fussing with my phone googling words from Engligh-Spanish.

He was so sweet, he kept smiling and telling me it was okay. I wanted to cry.

Finally, we were ushered back inside the venue. This time we walked in from the back door. To a room full of fans, so many screaming girls. I think my gf and I didn't know what to do. We lingered near the security guards and Rosas management. Finally Mr. Rosas hit the stage. It was an incredible sight to see.....the crowd was electrified, there was a lot of dancing, singing.

I took note of how strong and loud the women sang the songs. They absolutely loved it, loved him, his musicians, the whole thing.

I filmed some of his songs, and then I finished and my gf and I left.

I got home, I transferred the footage to my computer and watched it. I got to the interview part. It had no audio. The rest did.

It was 3:00 am.....I sat there in my dark room. Watching in silence....a screen of a smiling Rosas, who was answering my questions and nothing but silence filled the room.

I cried, I felt incompetent and stupid. I had messed up my first interview, my first opportunity.

I had footage of him performing, but the most important part was missing.

I ended up learning a valuable lesson that day. I vowed to always check my audio and never to let that occur again, that was if I ever got another opportunity..........

“Si el presente es de lucha, el futuro es nuestro.” ~Che Guevara

Although I was going through personal hardships, my desire and determination to go forth with my research was priority in my life. I was busy with school, grieving, being a mom, going through a separation from my partner, and trying to do a million things.......

So I decided to focus on activism, having left it once I had my babies I had taken a less visible role and helped from the background. I was ready to come back and be at the forefront once again.

After a month of preparing a very successful take over of Operation Streamline, local comrades and I tied down on buses carrying migrants on their way to a fast track court in which they are dehumanized and criminalized.

But on October 11th, 2013 Operation Streamline was shut down for that day.......

While I was tied down on that tire I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. I was proud of my action and my comrades. It made me realize that I could accomplish anything if I was persistent and went out there and did it.

It was scary sure.....I knew I was going to be removed eventually and handcuffed. I didn't care, it was the least I could do for others who were silenced and without voice.

So there I sat, I spent most of the time chanting, and thinking. I thought of my two babies and how they had everything in the world. I thought of my parents and how they instilled in me humility, kindness, and to always be hard working. I thought of my dad a lot, how his strong hands supported my family. I have always been proud of my father, how he can figure out anything, build anything, fix anything. I thought of my mom, how strong she is, how dedicated and giving she has always been. I kept hearing the engine reeve and thought of the men and women inside those two buses. They were someones dads, moms, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, they were someone special.

Hours passed, but it seemed like time stood still forever. Reporters kept coming by, our supporters would give us water, and say encouraging things. I kept seeing many different agencies arrive on scene. I saw officers looking at our arms, going around each wheel. I saw the riot cops getting ready. We all had a medic at each wheel, I told my medic I was ready to remove my contacts and wear glasses, prepared for pepper spray. I couldn't hear much from the engine going at my ear, so I don't know what was going on in the background.

There are things that you never forget, I can never forget the details of this day. The riot cop coming to my face telling me our little show was over, to just let go......or how tight the zip tie cuffs felt on my wrists, being put inside the cops van, being taken and put inside a jail room, being interrogated, transported to county jail......you never forget things when you're on the side of justice.

Have you ever heard anyone say they love being detained and in jail???? I LOVED it, crazy right, who loves jail? I do, I was in a jail room filled with incredible muxeres, all comrades. We laughed, sang, chanted. I slept on the coldest concrete floor ever, shivering cause jail is obviously not a comfortable place, but I was surrounded by hope. With amazing faces with incredible backgrounds, and hearts full of love and justice.

While my personal life was chaotic, at this moment, inside that jail room.....life was amazing.

I came out around 2:00 am on October 12th, 2013. Outside the jail supporters came out and waited, with each comrade coming out to chants of happiness and love. I got home, showered, and slept. I woke up, kissed my babies, hugged my parents, and had a sense of purpose once more in my life. (http://america.aljazeera.com/watch/shows/the-stream/the-stream-officialblog/2013/10/11/activists-in-tucsonblockdeportationbuses.html)

I was determined to do my research and I would not stop until I got my first interview.

I spent November, December and January focused on self healing, and with friends who would become integral in my life and become sisters, like finding your soulmate but they are your friend. Wonderful, incredible muxeres.

These muxeres who have gone down this trip with me, taught me about self love, perseverance, unity, and what it means to be a familia.

Without their support and their presence I would be lost.

Life is hard......life is full of unexpected surprises, plans that fall through.....but life can also be incredibly amazing.

When you least expect it, you find a way.....and if it weren't for those who come into your path, you might not find the courage to move forward, or to keep trying.

I kept calling record companies, and manager numbers, no one seemed to understand what I was doing, but I was determined.

My Spanish was horrible too, the lack of speaking it often made me rusty. So I spent a lot of time Googling Enligh-Spanish words..........

However, life is hilarious.....stars align themselves, and boom......an opportunity arises.......

El fracaso es una gran oportunidad para empezar otra vez con más inteligencia.~Henry Ford

In memory of Guadalupe Loreto (July 4th, 1957-October 3rd, 2013)

And so it began........or I guess I began to plan and plan. I turned to a friend, who I considered a brother. He had successfully done a documentary and I wanted his input, I wanted guidance. 

He told me what not to do and what to do. He told me I shouldn't waste time. To not over film, to keep it clean and make it strong. 

I asked him to do the video for me, and he said he would help. I was happy, I had my little "plan" ready to go and be executed. 

The first month I got nowhere.....I called, I emailed, I couldn't reach anyone anywhere. I grew increasingly frustrated. 

By May of 2013, I had been trying to get an interview for 4 months. I was devastated how was my vision going to take off if no one was willing to give me a chance?? 

I finally got a phone call, they directed me to BadSin Entertainment. I have based my whole research on Gerardo Ortiz (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerardo_Ort%C3%ADz). And one of his songs, that changed the game, perhaps forever. I was overwhelmingly excited to try to sit down with Ortiz.

So, what did that call get me....it got me three interviews with three different people at BadSin.

But nowhere near Ortiz. It drove me bananas, what was up!! 

Two of the three backed out of my research due to scheduling conflicts, and my buddy, my Hermano backed out of helping me film.

What a disaster.....I was so sad. I cried, and cried I didn't understand why nothing was happening. I was angry at everyone. But then I decided I was going to film it all, I didn't need anyone's help. I was a mujer who never took "NO" for an answer. 

But.....what and how would I get someone to do my research interview........to try to film on my own?

August 2013. The worst month of my life. My godmother, who I loved dearly. Gets diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, she undergoes brain surgery to relieve swelling in her brain. But there is nothing else they can do. By this time I've been texting and talking to someone involved in the genre.

He's agreed to help me, and I fly to Los Angeles on August 7th, 2013. I'm emotionally unstable, I am terrified that I will come back empty handed, and I don't trust him. 

It turns out he agrees to help me but we get nowhere and my frustration grows. I'm tired of dead ends, and I hate the world. I come home, defeated, mad at wasting time and grieving for my ill godmother. 

I keep trying to get an interview, but shift my focus to my passion......my activism, and start preparing for one of the most amazing events of my life. 

My godmother passed away October 3rd, 2013. I haven't completely understood, or grieved properly, I just know she's with me every time I am out there late at night, or traveling, she's there, I feel her, I talk to her, I tell her how much I miss her, and love her. I ask her to continue to hold my hand. 

 

My Godmother (my dad's youngest sister) and my dad circa 80's

I start graduate school in the fall of 2013. Two weeks later I am approached by other activists and I decide I will use my body in the ultimate sacrifice to bring awareness and agency to "Operation Streamline." (http://forms.nomoredeaths.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/nmd_fact_sheet_operation_streamline.pdf) 

I focused on preparing for our action and visited my dying godmother daily to hold her hand and see her. 

After she passed away I found nothing to help me cope, I was angry. And I was suffocating from the constant chaos in my personal life. I wanted to figure out what I needed and also find myself again...............

Como empezo.......

El principio.......this idea/concept/hope/dream started back in February of 2013. Seems so far away, and yet so close. I remember every detail of my first encounter with narco cultura. I was driving home my iPhone auxiliary cord was broken and I was switching stations.

I was listening to the advertisement on the Latino station when gunshots began and a music filled with polka sounds began. I was perhaps in shock, while trying to hear this song. I googled some of what I remembered when I got home. I quickly found the song, Sanguinarios Del M1 (http://youtu.be/rzod0gFjHIw) with lyrics about chopping heads, being strapped with guns and grenades.....it was a lot to stomach.

I spent the next month reading, listening, throwing myself into a deep analysis of what I was listening, seeing.....I admit it was intoxicating. I kept thinking of gangsta rap, and how similar this music was. But I was also confused about so many things, it was similar, but yet, so different. Truth be told a lot of the music made me mad. I guess I felt offended by a lot of the songs, and felt that the music perpetuated violence. It is no secret that while I am not in Mexico, or know the culture of living in Mexico, I am a Xicana who can't say has roots in Mexico, but I have a strong love for Mexico. So here was this music, singing and praising the drug cartel in Mexico. Celebrating the violence, the blood baths, the over the top ridiculous lifestyle in which more is more and the more glittery it is.....the better it is. This was nonsense I said, I hate it. But.....I loved it. I loved it because I knew NOTHING about it. I was already biased, and I hated that it called me.

At this point I was getting ready to return to graduate school and by faith or chance I was now filled with a thesis idea. I knew I had to find out more about this music, I wanted to throw myself at these spaces and learn, hear and essentially become one with this. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, and what it entailed. I just knew this was it, this was what I wanted to research, immerse myself into, learn, experience.

This, of course was not a concrete idea...yet somehow I began to piece little by little names, songs, historical background. It was nothing though, I was still completely baffled, and I was nowhere near knowing anything about anything.

My first email was to Dr. Celestino Fernandez (http://www.studentaffairs.arizona.edu/faculty/fernandez.php) I remember my email, and telling him I wanted to focus completely on corridos, "oh, but strictly "narco" corridos. I said, I want to focus the research on this concept and instead of writting, I want to film it, I want to do a documentary and I want to start there."

Dr. Fernandez responded promptly, "Wow, I have never heard of doing anything like this, I think it will be amazing." That was all I needed......

How, where, when.............that was the tricky part.