El fracaso es no tener el coraje de intentarlo, ni más ni menos. Lo único que se interpone entre la gente y sus sueños es el miedo al fracaso. Sin embargo, el fracaso es esencial para triunfar. El fracaso nos pone a prueba y nos permite crecer.~ Robin Sharma

When I began my research I set goals that were super unattainable. I did it because I didn't want to fail. I wanted to reach each and every performer because I just knew inside of me that they would want the platform I was giving them.

To me it made sense. I was like "of course they want to be interviewed by ME." who wouldn't want to??

Well.......many didn't want to. Or they just felt scared of me. I don't know why. Some said it was the questions, they were too intimidating. While others didn't like me using "narco" when I spoke of their corridos.

To some I said, "well, you sing them, you play them, your whole album is made up of songs that speak of narco cultura." and then they would just respond to my questions after.

I totally understood their apprehension. I knew that they didn't want to cross any boundaries.

I was lucky to have some well known acts under my belt. But, that wasn't enough.

I wanted to get the top performers. So I camped out at a venue and waited for a group I knew was going to give me substance.

It was a hot September in 2014.....and I was dying of heat. Calibre 50 wasn't set to get on stage till late. I had arrived at 3:00 pm....why I don't even remember. But I persisted.

Finally, their tour bus arrived and I rushed to it. The first man that came out of that bus was greeted by me and my notebook, I was ready.

He told me that they would do it. To wait after the concert and I would be taken care of. 

Then he took my equipment bag, and put it inside the bus, and extended a hand and lead me inside. 

I have never played sports, but I think that was the day I felt like I won the final of something. I was very nervous still.....and I kept practicing my Spanish in my head. I was glad they were performing, cause my nerves were killing me. 

Once they finished, they came up and sat down. They opened their chocolates and were curious to know what and why I was doing my research.

I disliked some of their songs, but also loved one song they had. This group wrote the most beautiful song for migrants. Their video was so real, and they understood that world. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9zLchnWQcs

But, on the other hand they wrote songs that made me MAD. Songs about degrading women, and cheating, and etc. I had specifically wrote questions just for them. 

So, we began our interview, I stayed on my usual questions, and then told them I appreciated how conscious they were. Commendable I said. They had big smiles and mouths full of UA chocolates. 

But......I said, while this song redeems you....you write and sing horrible songs. Like "Ni que estuvieras tan buena." or "Te estoy engañando con otra."

Really misogynistic, machista songs. Belittling, chastising, degrading women. 

Eden, told me calmly that they had no intention of any of that, but rather the songs could go both ways. Meaning, a woman could sing the song, and take on a female interpretation. I argued, I said no, the intent was to sing it to women. 

At the end we agreed to disagree. 

I must say that they opened my eyes to a lot of things. They spent longer answering my questions and giving me examples and more concepts to think about. 

I truly wished I could have gotten footage of their performance, but due to the event host was unable to. 

I also wish I could do my interview now, with my Spanish vocabulary fluent, and with my knowledge of the environment and culture. 

They remain a favorite group for their migrant song. I also love their new song in which they show the desire and love between two women. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzdyqcJ5WDs  

After interviewing them, I was taken serious, Calibre 50 was and is a very respected, mainstream group. 

It was worth my long day. 

I am a woman, and I am a Latina. Those are the things that make my writing distinctive. Those are the things that give my writing power. ~Sandra Cisneros

Eventually you have to face your demons......I still haven't. I have demons I don't want to think about, and I rather push them away.

Sometimes, this is for the best. No matter how much physical pain and emotional distress you have suffered. For me, facing these demons is accepting these terrible things. While I am not saying everyone should turn a blind eye....for me this is the sanest way I can heal me.

It's important for me to disclose in some form through here that while I was fighting for this research I was also fighting for more than just this research.

A part of me wanted independence; from the old me. The me who was naive, who wouldn't speak up for herself. If you have ever lived a sham, then you will understand. When you hide things, create an illusion of fake happiness.....then you can understand that these imaginary shams eventually fall and you have to confront them.....

 I was so busy running away from my demons, that I couldn't come to terms with them. Instead I kept making mistakes and running into dead ends. I recognized and knew that things weren't right. But, it was easier to close my eyes.....and shut it out.

There are so many things I would have done differently if I could go back. I would make rational choices, I would be loud, I wouldn't keep silent. Mostly, I would fight back like I do for everyone else. I wouldn't be manipulated, made to feel inferior.

At least I would try.

If you ever have time to step back and say "What happened? Where did I go wrong?" You'll find that you quickly need to face things you don't want. For me, this didn't happen immediately, I wouldn't allow myself to see or accept them.....I sort of ran off and tried to push it away, far and wide so that I couldn't feel the pain, mentally and physically.

If I rationalize what this research did, I have to thank it for saving me. It is my identity. It was the thing that saved me. It allowed me to put myself in spaces I wasn't and still am not comfortable in. It made me want something more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. However, it let me focus on it rather than on facing my demons.

Through it....I was able to grow stronger, wiser, patient. I was able to accept defeat, and success. I was able to appreciate much more.

Smile more, love more, appreciate very special, dear people in my life. I was able to find myself.....a person I didn't know could come out. I was able to let go of some demons.....and focus on the important things that matter the most.

Isn't it funny? I owe every interview, every performer, every venue, every trip my everything today. Every flight, every long drive.....every experience.

I learned about love again. What love means and what I don't want in love. I found that I posses the kind of love that can be intoxicating and beautiful. I am no longer afraid to say that I am a giver, I give myself fully....completely. I love in this way. And while I have ached for love. And have been disappointed in those who didn't understand my love. I have learned that it is NOT me who is at fault, but rather these individuals who never appreciated what I gave and how I gave it.

There is also a very special love I have, this is a love that will never stop. It is the love that I have for my two children. The two most important humans in my life. They are the most amazing, incredible gift I could ever have. I have tried in many ways, looked for words to describe the love I have for them. I can't. It's the most selfless love and there are no words to describe it.

I recognize that while I am taking you through my journey in this magical ride.....I must also be honest. It took me a whole month since the last post to gather my thoughts, accept some demons.....and decide that I want to be happy. I want to go back to this person....a fierce mujer who feels invisible, beautiful and sexy.....inside and out. I will no longer look for validation from anyone but me.

I want to look in my eyes, and see the light of happiness, I want to smile, and laugh because I can. I will no longer be apologetic for finding me. I will also not make excuses for you......I don't have to anymore. Because.........I am done.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

I think many people might be wondering how it was that I got to do these interviews, or how I was able to successfully conduct them. I was very, very lucky to have been granted access, but factors that helped me were that I was legitimately conducting a research interview, I had legitimate questions (which sometimes I was denied one or two questions; due to the artist and managements decision), and lastly I did have legal documents that proved that I wasn't coming by to just meet these performers.

At the end of the day I wasn't walking into welcoming spaces with candies and butterflies and unicorns.

Not everything went smooth all the time either, I sometimes had issues with management, record companies, the artists/groups. Schedule changes, artists/groups running late, set-ups we had organized and set-up weeks before broken at the last minute.

All of these things had a lot to do with catering to their availability and time. Sometimes I would schedule something at a specific time and get a message or phone call that they wanted to move it up or move it down. At times I found this incredibly frustrating but I was flexible, or I would lose my one opportunity.

For many months I sacrificed weekends to travel back and forth, or get to every entertainer who was coming through. Sometimes it was easy, other times I would have to wait a long time to get the interviews done.

But, I managed....I think I had so much to prove that I zombie'd my way through a year and a half of missed sleep, missed time with my babies, time away from my family. I was exhausted, but my desire to prove that I could do this, was my sole motivation.

Again, my stubborn ass ways wouldn't let me stop. There was one night I hurt my leg so badly, I still kept on. I had a huge ball/lump that formed. It lasted several months to completely go away. This became my reminder of the interview with Gerardo Mercado.....I remember I felt like I had fire in my leg......I tried to touch that area but it hurt so much I had tears in my eyes. I told myself it will go away, just get good footage and then it will be worth this pain you have.

Another thing that still hurts is my shoulder and neck. I was interviewer, camera person, etc. So carrying and lugging around a huge camera bag with me, eventually created some problems for me. To this day, I have pain, though I continue to ice and apply natural remedies to see if I can make most of the pain and pressure go away.

So I suppose while I am proud of myself, and happy I was able to get this far, I am only missing two interviews, Mr. Gerardo Ortiz and El Komander. I've been fortunate enough to interview the older groups who set the stage for the current entertainers.

I have made this my last goal for this research. Without Ortiz, I fear my work will lack the full circle. I have used his personality and his music to create my whole research, so of course I would feel devastated to not have him in it.

But, I have also come to the dreadful conclusion that this might never happen, and so I am thinking of how to manage that with the amount of information I have compiled about Mr. Ortiz and how I had wanted to format my documentary.

But.....I am still gonna try......cause like my papacito Raul tells me and has so articulately placed me in this category of women; "crazies and chingonas." Ay voy Gerry...

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. ~ Aristotle

There are very few men in this genre that can take your breath away......the only good looking man I have interviewed has been Martin Castillo from Gerencia360. I like to say I have this love/hate relationship for him. The first time we sat down together he made me so mad I wanted to kick him in the throat and throw him out of my moving car.....true facts.

But, the second time we sat down I was so impressed by his views, and we had a lovely dialogue about the history of corridos, narco culture, and his commitment to maintain old style with the ever evolving narco corrido genre that it made up for my first impression of our first meeting.

He has dabbled in different styles; romantic songs, even singing rancheras. But his style is narco corridos. And truth be told this is a style that truly suits him. He has presence, he is a great performer and he works his personality ever so clever.

Seeing his performance was different from others, because he is one of very few good looking performers he has more women coming up stage. However, his fan base is long term males who appreciate that he sticks to narco corridos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0XLQmpjfNA

I have appreciated Castillo's contributions to the narco corrido genre, and wonder why he hasn't amassed to Gerardo Ortiz status. He definitely deserves the mainstream status that some of the performers have who aren't well suited for this genre.

I think overall the night I spent observing Castillo is one for the books, I have not had a similar experience and perhaps I won't. The generosity of allowing me to see so much more than just the concert and a quick sit down interview shaped the way I presented the research to those who followed his participation in my research.

The evolving genre seems to evolve within the narco cultura also shifting to a glittery world of Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci.....I wonder if these designers know how much money they are making off the narcos...and the singers and those followers who just love these brands. I personally dislike the elf shoes they wear, the over the top name brands, the man purses. It is just TOO MUCH!!!! I want the tight wranglers, boots and nice button down shirts with the cowboy hats.

However, Castillo continues to stick to his forte and that is refreshing in this genre. The only critique I have and I shared with him; is that I wished he would do social injustice corridos.

Something I think he should dabble in.

La vida es aquello que te va sucediendo mientras te empeñas en hacer otros planes. - John Lennon

I will admit I am a stubborn ass......I am SO annoying. I hate to hear NO, I will go above and beyond to get things done.

My mother Rosita....constantly lectures me about being a stubborn ass, "Siempre tienes que hacerlo, te empeñas y no paras hasta que lo tienes." True facts....I guess it's the determination that motivates me to push the limits of what I want.

Which is a reason why I didn't stop when I was getting nowhere, sure I cried in frustration and spent time hitting a punching bag, but mostly it is that I firmly believe that anything is possible, you just have to work hard for it.......and call and annoy people until they relentlessly say "Fine."

It's both something that makes me happy about me and irritates me.

So....these artists kept coming through steadily, and I was busy getting every interview I could.

 I drove to Phoenix to interview Noel Torres, I was excited because I felt he was one of the more mainstream, popular ones I could get.

I left Tucson with a good friend, we got to the venue, and waited. We waited for a while and then white vans arrived (Thank goodness for those white vans...) I asked someone from the band if I could do the interview and they said yes.

But, to be on the safe side I found a more official person and he helped me. He was so professional, and nice. I enjoyed the way he represented his artists, and the record company. I found out this company was Gerencia360. http://www.gerenciamusic360.com/

I was unable to take footage of Torres's concert. Unfortunately, I had issues with some young women who decided they wanted to be in the way of my attempts to take footage of him. I was angry that they kept posing for the camera, like "girl no.....seriously.....I've seen better ass and boobs." Of course I had no time to sit there and compete with immature girls who obviously felt threatened by little ol' me and my friend and my camera. I got tired of having to move around these women who kept finding themselves in my view. I am not the type to deal with that BS...so I walked up to the Gerencia guy and said, I can't deal with those girls over there, showed him how shitty it was because they were all up in there, and we agreed to set up the sit down interview with Torres in Tucson after his concert the next day.

To this day I still thoroughly enjoyed this interview, we had a very long conversation about many topics, he spoke about social injustices, and many, many more things. I also had a nice male audience that came with him. I talked to them about my penis theory. What is this penis theory you ask??? Well its not much of a theory....it is more of a disadvantage women have. I explained that normally the way men choose the women they take home is through explicitly saying they will take the one with the "big tits" or "the big ass" which of course is gross objectification and sexualization of women. Whilst women don't know what they take home, its always a surprise. So I proposed to my women friends, that women also find out what they will take home and base their decision then and there. Why can't we choose the same way I exclaimed! We should see what is in the pants and also objectify these men.

It would only be fair, Mr. Torres disagreed of course and we debated for some time, his strongest argument was "women wear fajas, push up bras, and sometimes padded panties." My reply to this was "not my fault you don't check before you go." Which was my point.....

After that interaction i was able to connect with someone from Gerencia360 and he helped me immensely by helping me set up future interviews. I am very grateful and happy for his friendship and his help. Gracias Mr. G.

“When the person you love can't see your love for them beneath the painful things you say when they reject you, remember this: Love is blind.” ― Shannon L. Alder

I continued to work hard on my interviews and also focused on the other things that were happening in my life.

I was feeling tired and burned out, the environment was taking its toll on me. Especially considering that I worked full time at the university, went to school, spent time and cared for my two babies and then did other things with the community.

I still don't understand why the groups/artists go on stage so late. by 11:00 pm I was exhausted, then waiting for 12:30 am or 1:00 am for them to hit the stage, conduct an interview after their show and then go home at 3:00-4:00 am....sleep a couple hours, and wake up when the babies woke up.....I think about it, and wonder how I didn't collapse from fatigue.

There was one guy that came through and sang very graphic songs, and although he was super nice, and sat down with me and told me a lot.....I drove home with a nauseated stomach, and with images I wished to burn from my brain. I hugged my teddy bear tightly that night.

If you wonder why I decided on doing a mini documentary instead of writing a thesis, I realized from the beginning that my interest and what I was looking for was hearing it straight from the horses mouth type of thing.

I didn't want to write something and then have someone come back and say that I distorted or mistook their responses or words. I wanted to give them through a film project the ability to say it there.

The night that I interviewed Grupo Escolta I fell asleep, comfortably nestled in my seat, I had made a pillow from a jacket, and covered myself with another warm fussy jacket. I only woke up because someone hit my door with something. I remember waking up groggy, crazy eyed, very sleepy and rushing out my vehicle.....

It was so cold, I was shivering, and my teeth were chattering. I saw the white van and walked to the passenger window.....I am sure they were wondering "who the heck is that girl....probably drunk (so groggy, cold and sleepy still) knocking on our window like a maniac??"

The guy opened the window, and trying my best to be alert and professional said my little statement, he might have felt compassion, or probably noticed how hard I was shaking from the cold. But they opened the doors and came out, and sort of huddled around me.

Because I had slept for so long they wanted to do the interview at their hotel. Which was fine with me, I was too cold and too tired.

At this point I was bringing dinner to these groups, and by dinner I mean Sonoran hot dogs. The people from the place I got them from knew I would rush over at 1:50 am before they closed to get some for whomever I was interviewing.

Escolta was a funny group to talk to, we talked a lot about reverse racism, and Xicanismo. How delicious sonoran dogs were.....Mexican perceptions, and lastly why was I interested in this.

It is too complicated to go over my interests, I will say this has been a very, very incredible journey.

"“Por mi raza hablará el espíritu” ~José Vasconcelos

With the approaching day of genocide and celebration of stolen land from Natives, I take you with me to Thankstaking day 2013.

 The climate in Arizona following passage of laws like SB1070 a direct attack on the undocumented community (as if there was a need for more stigma) the ban on ethnic studies with SB2281.....was definitely not good.

With such actions, a civil unrest began. It made the communities in Arizona live in fear, and made many people come together to fight back. However, its effects caused more than separations of families, dehumanization of peoples.....it brought great distress and trauma.

A drive to the grocery store became a sacrifice for a mother running out for milk, feared to be stopped by the police department, because the outcome would be that border patrol would be called....and the children awaiting their milk from their mother would stay waiting...while their mother was taken and criminalized by an unjust system.

The month of October of 2013 appropriately has been called the "Tucson Uprising." After months of stops between the Tucson Police Department and community......On October 8th, 2013, the police department stopped one of the workers from the Southside Worker Center. Fortunately or unfortunately the stop took place at the intersection near the church, on the night that a humanitarian group met. Down the road about a few blocks we were preparing for our action for the 11th.

We all received the text alert, finished up our preparations and got there. Arriving to the scene......I saw lots of flashing lights. I immediately thought something terrible had gone on.

There were so many cops there and many border patrol agents. I could hear screaming, and chants.....screaming from comrades, and demands from cops.......I realized that this is what a war zone must look like......there was a lot going on......but we simply stood in line with each other......and then waited for them to attack us.

By this time the border patrol had taken the people they stopped and put them inside one of their vehicles......the activists inside the church created a barrier between the vehicle and the agents. Elderly people were thrown and pushed in their haste to move their vehicle and take our friends.

At the front of our unified group.....shots rang out as the police department began firing rubber bullets, and then they began to mace our groups.......

I ran around.....having arrived late.....I found a professor and mentor on the floor.....several comrades in agony from having been directly sprayed and shot. One of our comrades had been knocked down and was disoriented.

The Border patrol took this moment to leave.....we had just experienced the dire consequences of the fucked up effects of SB1070. we cried together that night.....as we held each other......and wondered why.....

We knew this was our war....and we were done, we were angry.....we were ready to shut it down.

I got home, and grabbed my son....I held him while I cried......I cried for all those peoples who couldn't hold their loved ones that night, for those who never made it here, whose families never heard from again.........