Sometimes, this is for the best. No matter how much physical pain and emotional distress you have suffered. For me, facing these demons is accepting these terrible things. While I am not saying everyone should turn a blind eye....for me this is the sanest way I can heal me.
It's important for me to disclose in some form through here that while I was fighting for this research I was also fighting for more than just this research.
A part of me wanted independence; from the old me. The me who was naive, who wouldn't speak up for herself. If you have ever lived a sham, then you will understand. When you hide things, create an illusion of fake happiness.....then you can understand that these imaginary shams eventually fall and you have to confront them.....
There are so many things I would have done differently if I could go back. I would make rational choices, I would be loud, I wouldn't keep silent. Mostly, I would fight back like I do for everyone else. I wouldn't be manipulated, made to feel inferior.
At least I would try.
If you ever have time to step back and say "What happened? Where did I go wrong?" You'll find that you quickly need to face things you don't want. For me, this didn't happen immediately, I wouldn't allow myself to see or accept them.....I sort of ran off and tried to push it away, far and wide so that I couldn't feel the pain, mentally and physically.
If I rationalize what this research did, I have to thank it for saving me. It is my identity. It was the thing that saved me. It allowed me to put myself in spaces I wasn't and still am not comfortable in. It made me want something more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. However, it let me focus on it rather than on facing my demons.
Through it....I was able to grow stronger, wiser, patient. I was able to accept defeat, and success. I was able to appreciate much more.
Isn't it funny? I owe every interview, every performer, every venue, every trip my everything today. Every flight, every long drive.....every experience.
I learned about love again. What love means and what I don't want in love. I found that I posses the kind of love that can be intoxicating and beautiful. I am no longer afraid to say that I am a giver, I give myself fully....completely. I love in this way. And while I have ached for love. And have been disappointed in those who didn't understand my love. I have learned that it is NOT me who is at fault, but rather these individuals who never appreciated what I gave and how I gave it.
There is also a very special love I have, this is a love that will never stop. It is the love that I have for my two children. The two most important humans in my life. They are the most amazing, incredible gift I could ever have. I have tried in many ways, looked for words to describe the love I have for them. I can't. It's the most selfless love and there are no words to describe it.
