Love Me or Hate Me Me Vale Madre

Even when I had secured my interviews I still panicked. It was never easy, there was always something that would come up or randomness that would make me worry about whether or not I would still be getting my interview. 

Incluso cuando había conseguido mis entrevistas, todavia tenia pánico. Nunca fue fácil, siempre había algo que surgiría o que me haría preocupar si todavía estaría recibiendo mi entrevista.

Such is the case for the night I interviewed Grupo Maximo Grado. 

Tal es el caso de la noche en que entrevisté al Grupo Maximo Grado.

Arriving at the venue, I was on my fifth call with their management. The group had arrived hours ahead, but the man of the hour, and the one I wanted to sit and talk to had not. The singer of the group; Cristian Felix had gotten delayed in Mexico and was arriving at the airport before they hit the stage. 

Llegando al salon de evento estaba en mi quinta llamada con la gerencia del grupo. El grupo habia llegado horas antes, pero el hombre de la hora, y al que yo esperaba ansiosamente para entrevistar se habia demorado en Mexico. El Cantante del grupo; Cristian Felix llegaria de un vuelo y llegaria a subir el escenario. 

No me importo, lo esperaria para siempre, Y lo hice. Yo caminaba para arriva y para abajo. Yo les tiraba ojos a los de seguridad y ellos a mi. Yo era una mujer con una mision. 

I was approached by one of the management people and we had a wonderful conversation, he was understanding and said the interview would get done after the concert if Cristian ran too late before hitting the stage.

Por fin una persona de el equipo me encontro, y tuvimos una conversasion muy buena. El entendia y me aseguro que la entrevista se haria despues del concierto si Cristian se demoraba y subia al escenario antes de hacer mi entrevista. 

The interview was one of my most favorites, Cristian was so straightforward and so true I wanted to have hours with him to talk about more things. I liked how he was like I don't give a fuck. He didn't cater to anyone and just was his own person. He wasn't a jerk, he was just true. Funny, and charismatic. 

La entrevista ha sido una de mis favoritas, Cristian fue honesto y tan real . Queria a ver tenido mas horas para poder convivir y platicar con el. De todos los temas queria hablarle. Me encanto como su persona es, el no era rudo pero tenia una actitud de esas que el hacia lo que le daba su gana sin preguntas. Era chistoso y carismatico. 

The interview was cut short and they hit the stage. What a most impressive show they put on, HE put on. It was by far one of the most interactive I have seen. He even left the stage without his shirt or jacket on. Very impressive.

La entrevista se quedo a medias, ya que tenian que subir al escenario. Que show tan impresionante pusieron. EL puso un show impresionante. Fue uno de los mas interactivos que eh visto. Incluso hasta bajo del escenario sin camisa o chaqueta. 

When we got into their van we resumed the interview, and had conversations about not just the topic of my research, but of realities in Mexico, and the disrespect that Donald Trump had done to our people both in the U.S. and in Mexico. He had some choice words for Trump, words that I agreed with wholeheartedly. 

Cuando subimos la camioneta resumimos la entrevista, conversamos no solo sobre el tema de mi investigacion, sino sobre las realidades en Mexico,  y sobre la falta de respeto que Donald Trump había hecho a nuestra gente tanto en los Estados Unidos como en México. Tenía algunas palabras de elección para Trump, palabras con las que acepté de todo corazón.

In our goodbye we exchanged numbers. A few days later Cristian sent me a message in which he was thanking me for giving him and his colleagues a platform. I responded that he had nothing to thank me for, in fact it was me who was thanking him for letting me interview him. I wished him success and good health and said I would see him at his next concert in town.

En nuestro adiós intercambiamos números. Unos días despues Cristian me envió un mensaje en el que me estaba agradeciendo por darle a él y a sus colegas una plataforma. Le respondí que no tenía porque, de hecho fui yo quien le agradeció por permitirme entrevistarlo. Le deseé éxito y buena salud y le dije que lo vería en su próximo concierto en mi ciudad.

It's the game of life. Do I win or do I lose? One day they're gonna shut the game down. I gotta have as much fun and go around the board as many times as I can before it's my turn to leave. Tupac Shakur

You might wonder what I thought of, wondered, imagined during the times I went off to conduct my interviews......sometimes I thought of how I should pose my questions, or how the person or people would be.....and the majority of the time I tried on a million outfits....I am still a mujer. Though silly.....my all black wardrobe and choice had to be practical. I had to carry the camera, my notebook, and a water. I don't know why I would bother playing dress up. My staple shoe choice was combat boots, leggings, and a black shirt. Seldom, I dressed up.

I wore jewelry during the interview, and once I followed them into the venue I had nothing but the camera and my camera bag. I kinda wished now I would have changed from the boots to some sneakers and been more casual. 

One of the few times I dressed up I was interviewing Los Nuevos Rebeldes. I wore a little black dress and heels. It was a nice hot day, and they arrived early. Their management (this is right before DEL Records acquired them) told me to go get them. Off I drove to their hotel. The poor dudes were barely getting off their van when I pulled up and said...."let's go!" Perhaps because I kidnapped them and forced them into my running vehicle they had no choice but to let this crazy mujer take them, although to be fair it took a lot of me insisting and shoving to get them in the car. 

We were only 5 minutes away from the restaurant that I conducted almost all my interviews at, and arrived quickly to get them dinner and do my interview. 

I had the two singers with me and one of their staff people. The guys reluctantly ordered and we began to have the usual conversation that resemble awkward blind dates. A lot of so how long have you been doing this? Where are you from? What's your favorite color? Just kidding on the last one, but pretty much breaking the ice types of scenarios.

I was sitting next to Isaac, and at the head of the table was Jesus Manuel. My friend was joining me for this interview Ms. Alyssa. Their staff Enrique sat across from us. 

I spent a long time with them for the interview, they invited us to their practice/sound check and we parted ways so that they could go get ready. Just listening to them was amazing. You could tell that this group had presence and music came easily to each and everyone of them. 

We came back and sat with them in their van while we waited for them to get on the stage in a small venue in South Tucson. 

The place was packed for Los Rebeldes, the music filled the room and the concert was on! I zig zagged my way through the whole venue, keeping myself and my camera out of the way of fans/spectators. I loved the shiny outfits they had on. The outfits are one of these e things I photograph a lot during my interviews. I find them very homoerotic. Very Liberace. 

I lose track of time when I'm filming, the minutes pass and the hours tick on. I am utterly shocked when the singer/group finishes their set and they come off stage. 

I have the fondest memories of interviewing and filming Los Nuevos Rebeldes. The full afternoon they gave me was very much appreciated. They could have easily had their meal, gave me short answers and asked to be dropped off at the hotel. Instead we spent hours chatting and having long wonderful dialogues. 

However,  the  interview is significant because at one point in the night while I was filming them closeup a fan/viewer grabbed my camera, and at the same time grabbed me. I looked straight at Isaac's eyes....while  this male had my breasts in his hands. I stopped filming, and walked to Alyssa. I remember staring at her too. I

After the incident I left outside and put my equipment away. Los Rebeldes got off stage. They met me outside. I thanked them whole heartedly and Isaac pulled me into a tight hug. I remember how comforting that felt. I feel he knew I had fear in my eyes when the previous episode occurred. 

What goes though my head you might wonder, well many things do. You might call me silly, but I hope and pray shots don't go off while I'm there. Or that I won't drop the equipment, I hope I won't be touched again.....and mostly I think of my safety. 

At the the end of the night I just want to get home to the most important, amazing, precious possession I have in my life.

El Amor es el significado ultimado de todo lo que nos rodea. No es un simple sentimiento, es la verdad, es la alegría que está en el origen de toda creación. ~Rabindranath Tagore

I have been super fortunate to have met and interact with incredible performers. Each and every interview has been significant. There have been interviews that have blown me away, and there have been interviews that left me blissful. One April day in 2014 I sent a message to a banda on instagram. I figured I wouldn't get a response, I figured I wouldn't get the opportunity to interview them. I figured.......

Eh sido muy afortunada; por aver tenido la oportunidad de convivir y platicar con tantos grupos, cantantes. Cada entrevista a sido significante. Entrevistas que me han dejado sorprendida, y unas que me han dejado muy feliz. Un dia de Abril 2014 mande un mensaje a una banda por instagram. No pense que alguien me contestaria, y pense que no tendria la oportunidad de entrevistarlos. Yo pense.....

I was surprised that I had a response quickly, and that they said YES!! I was so nervous. I hadn't interviewed a banda, mostly singers and small groups.

Me sorprendio que tuviera una contestacion tan inmediata, y que dijeran que SI!! Estava super nerviosa. Nunca habia entrevistado a una banda, solamente a cantantes y grupos.

We agreed to meet at their hotel and go to a designated spot on campus. I drove to the hotel, and picked up four guys. Please forgive my ignorance. I didn't do my homework....so I had no idea who I was picking up and who was doing the interview..... yikes.

Acordamos en que yo pasaria por ellos en el hotel, y de alli hibamos a ir a una locacion cerca de la universidad. Desafortunadamente y ignorante no hice mi tarea, asi que no sabia ni tenia una pista de a quien recogia o quien haria la entrevista. !!

I also didn't know then that I was picking up the most incredible human beings I would meet in my research. Once we did interviews I found out the three men were the three singers Efrain, Tony, and Luis, and their road manager Julian.

Tampoco sabia que ese dia recogia a unos ser humanos tan incredibles, que por mis estudios conocia. En cuanto empezamos la entrevista supe que habia recogido a Efrain, Tony, y Luis los tres cantantes de el grupo y su manager Julian.

They were so respectful, sweet, funny, lively. They answered all my questions, told me a lot about the genre, and even let me give them a little tour of the University of Arizona campus. 

Eran respetosos, cariñosos, lindos, chistosos, y animados. Contestaron todas mis preguntas, me contaron mas sobre el genero.Y hasta me dejaron darles un mini tour de el campus en la Universidad de Arizona.

If I could tell you how special these guys are.....I don't think I could do it in a simple blog posting. I had no idea that day that I was picking up my future best friends. Friends, who would open their spaces for me. Friends who became brothers. Kind hearted, and super talented brothers. With humble hearts. 

Si les dijera que tan especiales estos muchachos son....no creo que pudiera hacerlo en un simple blog. No tenia ni la menor idea que ese dia estaba recogiendo a mis futuros mejor amigos. Amigos que abrieron sus espacios para mi y me aceptaron en ellos. Amigos que se convirtieron en mis hermanos. Con corazones nobles, y super talentosos. Y con corazones humildes. 

I love them. All of them. Each one in that group, from the three singers who are my best friends. To the staff....each one is such a special person to me. 

Los amo. A todos. Cada uno del grupo, los tres cantantes que son mis mejores amigos. A cada persona del staff.....cada uno es muy especial para mi. 

On those occasions that I have been pressured, tired, angry, or sad....and even heart broken. I have had a shoulder to lean on, to cry on. To my Tony and my Mr. Cheek (Efrain) who selflessly became such important people in my life.Thank you Luis for being a great person and sharing with me your troubles being undocumented.  Thank you, for being there and giving me so much. I don't know if they realize how important they are in my life. I can't imagine how fortunate I am to have been able to cherish and share beautiful moments, and to see them growing and becoming more successful. 

En esas ocasiones que eh sentido presion, eh estado cansada, enojada, o triste...o desolada. Eh tenido un hombro en que llorar, platicar o se que esta alli. A mi Tony y mi Mr. Cheeks (Efrain) que se convirtieron en personas tan importantes en mi vida....GRACIAS, por estar alli, y por darme tanto. A Luis por decirme su historia de undocumentado. No se si saben que tan importante son en mi vida. Y lo afortunada que soy al aver tenido la oportunidad de convivir tan gratos y bonitos momentos. De poder verlos seguir adelante, y que sigan arrazando en sus carreras. 

I might finished this masters thesis, end interviews, complete my documentary. But one thing I know for certain is that I will always support, cheer, and love these three men and this amazing group.

Terminare este thesis, terminare mis entrevistas, y finalizare mi documental. Pero una cosa se por seguro, siempre apoyare, harre porras, y amare a estos tres hombres, y a este grupo tan increible para siempre.

"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death."~J.K Rowling

My most difficult interviews were the ones that left me completely drained and exhausted. It should come to no surprise that interviewing Regulo Caro was one of these interviews. I had tried for 2 years to conduct an interview with him, but was never able to. I didn't get the courage until I had done interviews with a hefty list of his colleagues.

My first attempt was in Tucson, AZ. It was a nice evening, he arrived from Mexico and literally had no time but to hit the stage. I remember how tired he looked. I wanted to put him in a bedroom, give him fluids and home made soup and give him rest.

Coincidentally Mr. Caro is my age. In a weird way his darkness is quite like my darkness. Regulo is the only one I have never been uncomfortable with.....WAIT....it isn't because he's odd, an asshole, or anything of the sort.

I feel a sense of deep respect for him. And that has never allowed me to speak to him in any way but respectfully.

 I prefer to call him The Dark Lord. I love his darkness, his leather jackets, his love of heavy metal. That and he wears all black so much....he shall forever be The Dark Lord to me. I was fortunate to have my colleague and camera/director/producer friend help me film him. After the concert he told me "He IS The Dark Lord!!!" His darkness is what makes him amazing.

I see the appeal he has with his audience. He is very charismatic, and super shy. He's a walking juxtaposition....amazing talent has a performer and a composer and yet he is shy and reserved.

I must confess that as much as I have had criticism on two of his songs, incidentally somewhere, somehow I became a fan of his music. He really has wonderful songs. In particular I enjoy his romantic songs. His albums "Mi Guitarra y Yo volumes 1 and 2" are some of my favorite songs of his I like.

There is something wonderful about Regulo. Perhaps it is his devotion to being a family man, his love for his daughter, or his stance when it comes to social injustices to his peoples on both the Mexican side and the US side that makes him a humble, understanding human being,

Because of time constraints we didn't get to do the interview in Tucson, it wouldn't be until almost 8 months later that I conducted his interview in Phoenix.

Sitting down with him was well worth the wait. I knew he was loved by his fans. Following him on instagram shows all the support, admiration and love they have for him. Being an outsider I have been privy of his posts, and in those moments that an uproar ensues in his posts there is nothing but backing and support for him.

Seeing the love these fans have for him first hand gave me a deeper understanding. Regulo might be shy, and he might be The Dark Lord of the narco corrido genre....but he is a sweetheart with a heart of pure humbleness and kindness.

Seeing him perform while being a regular fan did not disappoint. He puts on a great show. The only regret I have is not having had a longer interview with him. To hear more of his opinion (s) on many other subjects.

Thank you to Regulo Caro and his manager Juaquin Caro for the interview.

Recuerda, eres más valiente de lo que crees, más fuerte de lo que pareces y más inteligente de lo que piensas.

Purple combines the stability of the blue color and the energy of the red. Through the ages, purple has always been associated with royalty, nobility and prestige. The color purple can symbolize mystery, magic, power and luxury. Purple color meaning is often used to portray rich powerful kings, leaders, magicians and even sorcerers. Purple combined with gold can be flashy and portray wealth and extravagance. Bright purple and pink are good as feminine designs and is popular among teenage girls. Light purple together with the color yellow is commonly used in advertisements for children’s products. It gives the impression of something that is fun and easy to deal with. (http://www.color-meanings.com/purple-color-meaning-the-color-purple/)

I absolutely LOVE purple.....you might not believe it....since I tend to wear black on black on black....with the occasional black. Yet, purple is my favorite color. So one late June night I had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful group. They perform as a trio of guitars, with incredible sounds.....and happened to be dressed in beautiful, sparkling outfits in purple. 

They came on stage and instantly lit up the crowd at a local venue. They mesmerized with their fast fingers....they sang wonderfully and playing one song after the other without much discourse and delay. IT was AMAZING.

If you have never heard them play in person I tell you to go....even if you don't listen to Mexican Regional music....even if you have no clue what to expect.....you will not be disappointed. In fact, I guarantee you will want more. 

I have no idea what it means to play an instrument with passion, or what it feels like to hit notes....or to feel it inside. I have heard of people describe those feelings in this way: "to fully understand that type of passion, one would need to understand the intensity of what the instrument means....almost and parallel to making love to the instrument. Becoming one."

I had heard this, but I had never experienced that magic....that was until I saw Hijos del Barron perform live and in front of me. 

They played and it was effortless.....the guitar and each member were one. Together they filled the room with incredible music, they connected. I can't explain it better than the above description of making love to their guitars. It was beautiful, it was so breathtaking, it was hypnotizing. 

I admit, I was in a trance....a deep daze of music ecstasy. Song after song their music continued to play, and the atmosphere inside the venue continued to draw each and every one of us in. By sheer luck, the venue was intimate and small enough that each individual inside could connect with the musicians and their majestic music.

Once their show was over, I had the pleasure of meeting with them in their van. They were so courteous, so gentleman like. Their soft spoken mannerisms. Their genuine answers. 

I wished I could have had more time to have further discussions, but the interview was over as quickly as it began. 

I walked away mesmerized and with a deeper understanding of music, the incredible performers I had just had the fortune of seeing. 

I stayed up this night and watched the footage. Realizing that I could never replicate the feeling, sound and atmosphere I had experienced that night. I leave you with this photo....I was blissful and enchanted.....by three guitars and the most incredible musicians/performers I had ever experienced in my life. 

Si algo tengo bueno es que los nervios los llevo por dentro y la gente sólo ve en mí tranquilidad y seguridad.~Megan Maxwell

I had been wanting to do an interview with a singer or group that allowed me to have more than just a quick 15 minute before they hit the stage moment.

I had been calling record companies, managers and for obvious reasons and time constraints couldn't set anything up.

However, December 2014 I scored a coffee interview with Luis Billhey. I was SO nervous....but So anxious at the same time. I set up an interview at a quiet and quaint coffee shop in Downtown Phoenix. 

 A fellow comrade kindly referred me to this cafe and I was ever so grateful. It was perfect, it was quiet, calm and gave an aura of intimacy for my much wanted face to face no time constraints interview.

Mr. Billhey is a handsome young man with an infectious smile. I waited patiently, and nervously for his arrival. I got a text that he was running late, internally I was dreading a cancellation, or a no show. However, he arrived and I was able to relax a bit. He didn't fail to impress. Like most of his colleagues, he smelled delicious, was wearing an outfit that has become a staple for this genre......and had that soft spoken manner.

We talked about personal interests, he was very accommodating. Perhaps it had to do with the relaxed setting, or the atmosphere. I felt like I had known him forever, we had endless moments to reflect on many topics. Which was ever so helpful. Unfortunately, the cafe closed at 7:00 pm. But, he willingly kept the conversation going. We were able to move ourselves to the park outside the cafe and continue talking.

I was curious to know a lot of things; it happen to be that at that moment I was hungry for the knowledge of every aspect of the genre. I wanted to know so many things, yet I also was reluctant to ask. But Luis made asking so easy. Of course none of my interviews asked any personal questions pertaining to the drug cartel. I am not focused on that, and don't feel the need to know about it. So we never touched that topic, but boy did we discuss everything, I even threw in some social injustice issues his way, I was blissful!!! 

I did enjoy listening to Luis talk about his obstacles, and triumphs in getting to where he is at.

I was mesmerized by his hard work, and how much passion he has. Because of the relaxed setting I hadn't taped anything. almost 3 hours into our wonderful and carefree platica I found out the camera was stuck or wouldn't film for me. 

After a good 20 minutes of me apologizing, and googling ways to make the camera work, I had to apologize over and over for not checking my equipment. I was devastated, had I NOT vowed to never have this happen again???? How had I allowed myself to have equipment that was faulty?! 

Although I was panicked, Luis was ever the gentleman, and calmly said that he had enjoyed our conversation, and we could meet again to do the film portion. I was so thankful, I told him that I was so embarrassed to have made this trip and waste his time, but he said no worries and that was that. 

We decided to go grab a drink, and continue with our talk. Luis happens to be a good looking guy, with that infectious smile. Another quality of his was his easy going personality.

Talking to him felt like I was talking to a close friend. He loves soccer, and plays with friends weekly. He loves to sing, and does it with gusto. He is always readily accessible to his fans, and above all he never forgets to be humble. Now, don't think I didn't ask him hard questions, I did, I asked him why not go for another genre, he does occasional love songs, but he also understood that this genre was popular and profitable. 

Luis gave me so much to think about, from his personal experiences, to examples he presented to me. My head was spinning. I was taking it all in. I was seeing stars, I was mad that I wasn't writing it all down. I was enthralled in the many issues he spoke about or touched on. 

I was so lucky to have been able to interact with Luis, to have him give me so much time, to take time to teach me things I hadn't considered. 

I graciously thanked him for his time, and for allowing me to redo his interview once I had proper working equipment at a later time. 

I drove home with ideas swirling in my brain......with concepts that hadn't occurred to me till then. 

I am lucky to call him a friend, and to occasionally send a "hello", "how are you" text. 

To the next coffee date my friend.........

El fracaso es no tener el coraje de intentarlo, ni más ni menos. Lo único que se interpone entre la gente y sus sueños es el miedo al fracaso. Sin embargo, el fracaso es esencial para triunfar. El fracaso nos pone a prueba y nos permite crecer.~ Robin Sharma

When I began my research I set goals that were super unattainable. I did it because I didn't want to fail. I wanted to reach each and every performer because I just knew inside of me that they would want the platform I was giving them.

To me it made sense. I was like "of course they want to be interviewed by ME." who wouldn't want to??

Well.......many didn't want to. Or they just felt scared of me. I don't know why. Some said it was the questions, they were too intimidating. While others didn't like me using "narco" when I spoke of their corridos.

To some I said, "well, you sing them, you play them, your whole album is made up of songs that speak of narco cultura." and then they would just respond to my questions after.

I totally understood their apprehension. I knew that they didn't want to cross any boundaries.

I was lucky to have some well known acts under my belt. But, that wasn't enough.

I wanted to get the top performers. So I camped out at a venue and waited for a group I knew was going to give me substance.

It was a hot September in 2014.....and I was dying of heat. Calibre 50 wasn't set to get on stage till late. I had arrived at 3:00 pm....why I don't even remember. But I persisted.

Finally, their tour bus arrived and I rushed to it. The first man that came out of that bus was greeted by me and my notebook, I was ready.

He told me that they would do it. To wait after the concert and I would be taken care of. 

Then he took my equipment bag, and put it inside the bus, and extended a hand and lead me inside. 

I have never played sports, but I think that was the day I felt like I won the final of something. I was very nervous still.....and I kept practicing my Spanish in my head. I was glad they were performing, cause my nerves were killing me. 

Once they finished, they came up and sat down. They opened their chocolates and were curious to know what and why I was doing my research.

I disliked some of their songs, but also loved one song they had. This group wrote the most beautiful song for migrants. Their video was so real, and they understood that world. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9zLchnWQcs

But, on the other hand they wrote songs that made me MAD. Songs about degrading women, and cheating, and etc. I had specifically wrote questions just for them. 

So, we began our interview, I stayed on my usual questions, and then told them I appreciated how conscious they were. Commendable I said. They had big smiles and mouths full of UA chocolates. 

But......I said, while this song redeems you....you write and sing horrible songs. Like "Ni que estuvieras tan buena." or "Te estoy engañando con otra."

Really misogynistic, machista songs. Belittling, chastising, degrading women. 

Eden, told me calmly that they had no intention of any of that, but rather the songs could go both ways. Meaning, a woman could sing the song, and take on a female interpretation. I argued, I said no, the intent was to sing it to women. 

At the end we agreed to disagree. 

I must say that they opened my eyes to a lot of things. They spent longer answering my questions and giving me examples and more concepts to think about. 

I truly wished I could have gotten footage of their performance, but due to the event host was unable to. 

I also wish I could do my interview now, with my Spanish vocabulary fluent, and with my knowledge of the environment and culture. 

They remain a favorite group for their migrant song. I also love their new song in which they show the desire and love between two women. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzdyqcJ5WDs  

After interviewing them, I was taken serious, Calibre 50 was and is a very respected, mainstream group. 

It was worth my long day. 

I am a woman, and I am a Latina. Those are the things that make my writing distinctive. Those are the things that give my writing power. ~Sandra Cisneros

Eventually you have to face your demons......I still haven't. I have demons I don't want to think about, and I rather push them away.

Sometimes, this is for the best. No matter how much physical pain and emotional distress you have suffered. For me, facing these demons is accepting these terrible things. While I am not saying everyone should turn a blind eye....for me this is the sanest way I can heal me.

It's important for me to disclose in some form through here that while I was fighting for this research I was also fighting for more than just this research.

A part of me wanted independence; from the old me. The me who was naive, who wouldn't speak up for herself. If you have ever lived a sham, then you will understand. When you hide things, create an illusion of fake happiness.....then you can understand that these imaginary shams eventually fall and you have to confront them.....

 I was so busy running away from my demons, that I couldn't come to terms with them. Instead I kept making mistakes and running into dead ends. I recognized and knew that things weren't right. But, it was easier to close my eyes.....and shut it out.

There are so many things I would have done differently if I could go back. I would make rational choices, I would be loud, I wouldn't keep silent. Mostly, I would fight back like I do for everyone else. I wouldn't be manipulated, made to feel inferior.

At least I would try.

If you ever have time to step back and say "What happened? Where did I go wrong?" You'll find that you quickly need to face things you don't want. For me, this didn't happen immediately, I wouldn't allow myself to see or accept them.....I sort of ran off and tried to push it away, far and wide so that I couldn't feel the pain, mentally and physically.

If I rationalize what this research did, I have to thank it for saving me. It is my identity. It was the thing that saved me. It allowed me to put myself in spaces I wasn't and still am not comfortable in. It made me want something more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. However, it let me focus on it rather than on facing my demons.

Through it....I was able to grow stronger, wiser, patient. I was able to accept defeat, and success. I was able to appreciate much more.

Smile more, love more, appreciate very special, dear people in my life. I was able to find myself.....a person I didn't know could come out. I was able to let go of some demons.....and focus on the important things that matter the most.

Isn't it funny? I owe every interview, every performer, every venue, every trip my everything today. Every flight, every long drive.....every experience.

I learned about love again. What love means and what I don't want in love. I found that I posses the kind of love that can be intoxicating and beautiful. I am no longer afraid to say that I am a giver, I give myself fully....completely. I love in this way. And while I have ached for love. And have been disappointed in those who didn't understand my love. I have learned that it is NOT me who is at fault, but rather these individuals who never appreciated what I gave and how I gave it.

There is also a very special love I have, this is a love that will never stop. It is the love that I have for my two children. The two most important humans in my life. They are the most amazing, incredible gift I could ever have. I have tried in many ways, looked for words to describe the love I have for them. I can't. It's the most selfless love and there are no words to describe it.

I recognize that while I am taking you through my journey in this magical ride.....I must also be honest. It took me a whole month since the last post to gather my thoughts, accept some demons.....and decide that I want to be happy. I want to go back to this person....a fierce mujer who feels invisible, beautiful and sexy.....inside and out. I will no longer look for validation from anyone but me.

I want to look in my eyes, and see the light of happiness, I want to smile, and laugh because I can. I will no longer be apologetic for finding me. I will also not make excuses for you......I don't have to anymore. Because.........I am done.